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Today the nation of Great Britain goes to the polls! How will certain prominent croppies be voting? DANNY SOTHAM investigates…

Here in the noble, original seat of global democracy, things are hotting up as the great British population elects the people they want to see in power! Naturally, croppies have their own issues to vote on, so we at Swirled News decided to canvas a few prominent voters to see which way they’d be swinging and discover how they came to their decisions. Our findings reveal the following…

COLIN ANDREWS remains unconvinced by 85% of the candidates, but feels 15% may actually be genuine. Of this residue, he believes at least 5% are clearly influenced by magnetic fields (are you sure about this bit? – Ed).

REG PRESLEY remains unconvinced by 95% of the candidates, but will still be appearing on television to show his enthusiastic support for the small remainder.

MICHAEL GLICKMAN insists that all candidates are entirely genuine, but as ‘delusional cultists’ aren’t allowed to vote by law, his views will count for nothing.

LUCY PRINGLE buried bottles of water in the gardens of at least three candidates, and will be examining each closely when dug up again today to see which energy field resonates most closely with her own political views.

KAREN DOUGLAS insists that as whoever wins has nothing but a “temporary title for the modern age” anyway, she will not be voting.

TEAM SATAN believe they have shown that the vast majority of candidates are not genuine, but refuse to commit to the view that NONE of them are genuine, hinting at strange experiences which lead them to think it might be worth hedging their bets.

MATTHEW WILLIAMS will be voting if the police let him out for good behaviour.

MICHAEL GREEN will use dowsing to determine which candidate is the reincarnation of the High Priest of Atlantis before challenging him in hand-to-hand combat to determine ultimate supremacy.

PAUL VIGAY (with electoral advice from RON RUSSELL & SIMEON HEIN) will be using their special ‘swingometers’ to determine the outcome of the election, when they can work out what is actually causing the needles to swing to the left or the right.

DOUG BOWER claims not to believe in any of the candidates, and anyway, he founded democracy by setting up Parliament in the first place. And he built Stonehenge. And the Taj Mahal. He’s Prime Minister, too.

[ Stop press! First results just in: Alton Barnes (north) – Fransisca Queenbee (Militant Croppie Believers/Death to Doubters party): 53 votes. Johnny Stomper-Roller (I’m a Famous Hoaxer, so **** You party): 0 votes. Asquith Cudchew (Enraged Agricultural Psychotics party): 11 votes. The Rt Hon Steven Meredith (Wipe the Earth Clear of Alternative Wackos party (formerly The Conservatives): 35,260 votes. ]


So much for all this nonsense. The real election is even sadder. According to the media, there are only three parties to vote for, not the 74 of actuality, most of which have barely even been acknowledged. The Greens and the UK Independence Party – the two next largest political parties - do not even exist, if press and TV coverage is any gauge.

Most people are voting for the personalities who run the parties, not for policies, which seem non-existent anyway. What few politicians (virtually all male) we have seen canvassing during this election have all been evasive, utterly non-committal, petty, whiney, uninspiring and probably deceitful too. Most people seem to think that whoever’s in power will make little difference in the end. It’s almost as if the politicians WANT to provoke total apathy across the nation so they can be left to do what they want… Surely not?

Pray for political reform… while you can still vote for it. According to David Icke, they’re all Extra-Terrestrial lizards anyway. Sometimes they might as well be.

Have a very happy election day!



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